too cheap to get a proper layout

Character: Stanford Pines aka "Grunkle Stan"
Series: Gravity Falls
Character Age: Old as balls
Counselor Job Camp Shop Owner
Canon: Deep in the wilds of Portland, Oregon is a place called Gravity Falls. Sent there for the summer by their parents, Dipper and Mabel Pines learn first-hand that Gravity Falls holds many mysteries and adventures. Though nothing quite as mysterious as their weird great-uncle Stan who owns a totally legitimate shop selling trinkets and merchandise to the tourists.

"Totally legitimate" may be a bit strong. Stan tends to pull the wool over people's eyes with his extravagant yarns and gift of laying it thick for unsuspecting customers. Greedy, rude and cantankerous at times, Stan could care less about people's opinions so long as they paid him. With a tendency to lie and cheat his way through life, Stan seems to only care about himself first and foremost. But he does care about his family, the Mystery Shack and his employees (kind of). Gruff, blunt and utterly shameless, Stanford Pines is an excellent role model for small children and always does the right thing . . eventually. Maybe. Probably?

Sample Entry:

Tell us about yourself in a few words.
Hello folks, my name is Stanford Pines and I'm here to run the wholesome camp shop with wholesome goods like . . . guns and bullets and medical supplies? Oy, what kind of messed up place is this? I mean, I'm not complaining but can kids even pay for this stuff? Because I'm not giving discounts unless there's a zombie apocalypse. And even then, I expect a 10% interest rate if you survive!

Ahem. Where was I . . . Oh, right, I run your shop! Ha ha, tough luck getting things for free now. Hahahaha -- ow my back. Why does maniacal laughter always stab me this way?!

Why are you joining our happy community?
Happy? You call this happy? You people have no idea how the dollar works, not to mention your bizarre trade and barter system, which you apparently call "freebies". This place is a menace to proper society and culture! And by culture, I mean the American art of the scam. No real American would give away things for free without expecting something in return. It's just not done.

You may call this Paradise, I call it no concept of how the world works. Good luck adjusting to real life once you leave this place and don't say I didn't warn you! Actually, say that so I get to say "I told you so". I love doing that. It's like an automatic mood-riser for the elders.

What do you expect from your camp experience?
A steady cash flow and people who can't leave and have to pay off their debts to me - I mean, to society.

Oh, wait, you meant emotionally. Uh. Yay forced bonding and starting camp fires! That . . . is what kids do in camps, right? As long as I don't get to it, that's what I expect from my camp experience. Yeesh. Who willingly volunteers for this? Besides bleeding hearts.

Do you find these questions increasingly unnerving? Why/Why not?
Nah, these are pretty okay. Now if you were a tax collector, that would make this unnerving.

If there was a good dog and a criminal both hanging from a cliff and you could only save one, which would you save and why?
The dog. Because he can pay me back using his ultimate power. His undeniable pet cuteness. And with his adorable puppy dog eyes and lovable barks, the people of this place will be helpless before me, letting me rake in the goods! Ka-ching baby!

Oh, and Mabel would never forgive me if I didn't save the dog, so. That counts.

If you could get away with committing one crime and suffer absolutely no consequences, what would you do and why?
That's like asking someone what they want for Christmas. There are just so many options to choose from.

Have you committed any crimes you were or should have been convicted from?
What are you, a cop?! I was promised no cops in this place! That's the whole reason I came to this dump - I mean, this charming little summer camp. Anyway, where's your warrant? I have rights, you know! And I'm going to use my right to remain silent and deny anything and everything you have heard! Or didn't hear! In fact, I deny every being here.

Are you lying on your previous answer?
I was never here.

the votes are in